Did I?

Di perjalanan menghapus luka, kepalaku mulai menceritakan bayang sejak awal kita berjumpa.
Tak lagi bertanya mengapa aku jatuh cinta, semua jelas terukir disana.
Jika saja kita bisa membaca senyuman, aku ingin tahu apakah ada satu hari dimana kamu tersenyum dan aku alasannya.
Sebaliknya tak perlu kau baca, satu-satunya alasan ceria tak henti ini adalah karena kamu ada.
Lihatlah, bahkan aku masih memuji saat sedang belajar lupa, namun kamu memang sebaik itu adanya :)
Biar aku merelakan dengan perlahan, karena aku tahu sepenuhnya rasa untukmu tak hanya sebatas kebetulan.

Found this. On a post at instagram.

So beautiful yet heartwrenching. I can't help myself drowning in tears while reading this. Why?

I never thought that it will happen to me. Knowing your very best friend has the same interest to someone you put your eyes on too.

But I know I'm nothing compared to her. I'm not really good at building a conversation. I'm not really good at creating a nice atmosphere. I'm not really good at being myself on my professional side.

I know it's really wrong; being pressured by the happiness of your best friend. I should be happy for her too. I shouldn't be like this; expecting myself having those happiness with the same person.

Tapi kalo menurutku kadang kita juga mesti mikirin diri sendiri dulu baru orang lain. Ini ngga di semua kasus lho ya. Kita juga berhak bahagia kan? Masa ngebahagiain orang mulu, di sisi lain bahagia kita jadi korban. Mba hebat masih bisa kuat.
No. I sacrifice nothing. In fact, I'm the one who always being a burden.

Sekali lagi itu pilihan. Mba yang tau hidup mba, mba yang tau mba pengen jadi kayak gimana kedepannya. Jadi mba punya hak seluas-luasnya untuk nentuin pilihan dalam hidup mba. Jadi nikmatin pilihannya, tapi jangan lupa nikmatin juga konsekuensinya.
But I'm afraid. I'm afraid at making a decision. Is it right? Did I make a good choice? If it's not good, what will happen then?

Hemm gimana ya, memang susah sih kalo maen perasaan. Akupun gitu kadang-kadang. Jadi mba ngga sendiri, semua orang pasti pernah ngalamin dan ngerasain hal yang sama. Mba nya aja yang ngga nyadar. Jadi jangan minder ya, kita semua sama, levelnya sama, semua orang berhak atas seseorang. Tinggal mau berusaha atau ngga.
I lost words. I hate this feelings. I hate having feelings. Why should feelings be there? Why should God created feelings?

I'm done. Too tired. Why can't I be chill abt this? It's not like the world will end up because of THIS.

And I always keeping myself from heartbroken by thinking; No, it's not my time yet. I still have alot to do; thesis, parents, brothers. My devotion still not enough for them. I need to be focus.

But yet, my heart AND MY FEELINGS, won't cooperate and just keep bringing the stupid me, the silly me, the me who can't fight for her self.

I need to get rid of my facade, my camouflage. But I think it's already too late.

I think I'm done.