Who Am I?

It is indeed true. That phrase ‘karena nila setitik, rusak susu sebelanga’.

I was once happen to be in a really unpleasant situation. Too much burden, too much pressure coming at the same time. Dan pada kondisi saat itu, rasanya tidak ada kebahagiaan yang saya rasakan. I realize this after I checked that in the entire 2019 I rarely update my blog. I usually update it when the mood is good. In 2019, there’s only few story I can tell.

And since it’s already April, I’m gonna make this one also as my annual birthday post. HAHA THE LAZINESS.

Going back to the phrase, 2019 sebenernya gak sepenuhnya menjadi tahun yang sebegitu kelamnya sepanjang hidup seorang Nikma Kurnianingtyas Bekti. But the event at the end of the year turns it all upside down.

2019 was actually pretty great. I got my master degree, going to Bangkok for BTS Love Yourself Concert, a random explore at Changi Airport, and finally got my first real job at Hermina Balikpapan. See? It’s not that bad.

But then again, it was a year when I also got my first breakdown in my entire life. It started with just a small cry alone in the office toilet. Somehow it continues on. On my way driving the motorbike, on a random day in my room, and finally, it happened suddenly when I’m in the mid of a conversation with some people. The worst one was exactly on New Year night. I think I’ll never forget that day; me alone, just lazily lying around in bed, and IT JUST HAPPEN. The sudden tears. It was massive.

There’s a lot to be celebrate in 2019. And a lot to mourn. My first REAL heartbreak on August, while almost at the same time my first ‘match’ came. The roller coaster of 2019 was THAT much I almost lost my grip.

Rasanya berantakan. Bingung gimana harus ngungkapinnya, ke mana harus cerita, dan kenapa bisa sampe sebegininya it affect me. Sepanjang 26 tahun kehidupan, rasanya belom pernah sampe sebegininya. These late months, sering banget kepikiran ‘will I reach my goals? what if my time isn’t enough? how can I overcome this?’

Dan bahkan kadang; I think I won’t be there. I can’t make my parents proud and happy. All those thoughts of being a failure.

Somehow, the positivity I have already lost. Somehow, the tears come easier than all those years before. Somehow, the ESFP on me suddenly become a INFP.  

Who am I?